Longing

@23:14

Hey, I just took late-night bath and here I am, in my pajamas, sitting in front of my laptop.

We just had a "family day out" after a very long time. Well, although it's not a whole-package family. It was fun with just three of us (Daddy, 2nd sister and Me). Today was one of my unforgettable memories. One may think what's the big deal? Yeah,  I can't even remember when was our last family outing, thus render me a little fondness with it.

My daddy and sister picked me up at school when I just finished my tutoring. We headed to mall immediately and had an early-dinner. My daddy and sister were having their happiest time while I was studying for my math exam tomorrow. I might looked like a nerdy student who carries books all the time. We sat at the steak restaurant for approximately 2 hours. After that, we headed into a book store which makes me look more nerdy -_- .But actually I'm really into books. Not all kinds of books, bcos I become quite picky when it comes to them. I don't even know what genre that fits my favorite book. If the book is good, then i like it. If it's not, then i don't like it. Simple. After spending 3 hours at the book store (it's normal, right?), we went upstairs to the cinema, and watched "Beauty and The Beast". Yeah, we forced Daddy to watch it. He said he was so sleepy but he can't sleep due to the loud music lol.

After watching the movie, we were heading back to the hotel, and i took a bath and here i am, in my pajamas, sitting in front of my laptop (wait this is the opening sentence). I think I should call it a day after studying a little bit more. I hope we can do a lot things like this in the future. Good night. I wish KimShin will appear in my dream tonight *yehet*

p.s lagi pengen nulis pake bahasa inggris, maap kalau ada kesalahan, maklum masih beginner. :v

What's On My Thought Pt. 1

Hari ini hari sabtu, jam menunjukkan pukul 12:53, gue gak ada kerjaan di rumah, so, lemme write some random thoughts.

Bonyok gue udah sering ngingetin gue, kalau gue harus cepet nikah, eh, maksudnya harus mikirin tentang masa depan gue. Gue sadar kalo gue sedang di umur yang lagi mikirin mau masuk universitas mana atau mau jadi apa. Dulu, disaat nci-nci gue SMA, gue sering liat mereka lagi frustasi mikirin masa depan. Bukan hanya nci gue, bonyok gue juga ikutan pusing. Saat itu gue berkata pada diri gue sendiri kalo pas gue udah lulus SMA, gue gak akan pusing kayak mereka. Kar'na gue akan belajar dengan giat dan jadi dokter. Biar bonyok gue gak usah pusing, karena kasihan juga mereka udah pusing sejak nci gue yang pertama sampai yang ketiga. 

But expectation goes beyond reality. Rajin belajar ternyata lebih susah dari yang dibayangkan. Banyak hal-hal yang menggoda gue untuk gak belajar. Akhirnya gue sampai di titik dimana gue pusing. Ya. Pusing yang pernah gue bilang gak akan terjadi pada gue. Pusing mikirin universitas, meskipun gue masih kelas 11. Tetep aja hal ini bikin gue pusing. 

Dari kemarin gue kepikiran terus tentang ini (karena dibahas di tempat les), sampai matahari terbenam, kemudian terbit, terbenam, terbit, terbenam #gituajaterussampaispongebobluluskuliah. Oke spongebob ga ada hubungannya sama ini.

Hal yang gue pusingin sebenarnya bukan karena gue gatau cita-cita gue apa. Walaupun cita-cita gue berubah-ubah sejak kecil, pas SD gue memberitahu nyokap gue kalo gue mau jadi atlet, alhasil gue malah diomelin. Pas SMP kelas 1, gue memutuskan mau jadi rapper. Gue gatau gue kerasukan mahkluk halus apa yang bikin gue mikir mau jadi rapper padahal ngomong aja masih terbata-bata. Akhirnya setelah dihasut-hasut bokap gue untuk jadi dokter, gue pun mengiyakan. Meskipun awalnya gue kurang lapang dada menerima kenyataan ini *lebay*. Tapi semuanya berubah saat gue masuk bangku SMA. Mungkin karena gue sering nonton serial film ber-genre medical, gue mulai berpikir kalau jadi dokter gak seburuk yang gue duga, indeed, jadi dokter itu keren banget. Apalagi kalau di serial film yang gue tonton, dokter cewek nya udah cakep, pinter, baek, kurang apalagi coba. Kurang nyata sepertinya. Eventually, i decided my passion is to be a doctor. 

Tapi..karena sekarang gue menemukan passion gue, gue jadi lebih khawatir. 

"Gimana kalau gue gak lulus tes masuk fakultas kedokteran?"

"Gimana kalau gue gak bisa jadi dokter?"

"Apa gue akan bahagia kalau dapet pekerjaan yang bukan passion gue?"

Pikiran-pikiran itu terus menghantui gue sejak kemaren sampai saat ini. Kadang gue mikir "Apa selama ini gue kurang giat belajar? Padahal menurut gue, gue sudah belajar lebih rajin dari orang lain. Gue berusaha lebih keras dari orang-orang di sekitar gue." Tapi gue sadar kalau diluar sana pasti ada orang yang jauh berusaha lebih keras dari gue. Gue galau. Gue gak suka mikirin hal-hal kayak gini. Gue berasa sisa hidup gue berkurang saat kebanyakan mikir.

Tapi pikiran gue kembali lagi ke awal, that everything flows in God's hands. 

Seperti salah satu ayat favorit gue berkata: 

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, 

neither are your ways My ways. 

As the heavens are higher than the earth, 

so are My ways higher than your ways.

 and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Ya, selagi surga masih diatas bumi, begitu juga jalan Tuhan terhadap jalan kita. Dan rancangan Tuhan terhadap rancangan kita. *ini bukan sesi rohani*. Mau gimanapun gue mikirin tentang masa depan gue, toh Tuhan juga yang nentuin, bukan gue. 

XOXO,

13:50